Saturday, April 10, 2010

Blog Title Change (Yet Again)

意味のない生活、オモチャいっぱい生活。 - "A meaningless life, a life filled with toys," used to be the title of my blog, but I decided to change it (yes, again), today. Originally this was called "Anime Acquisitions", which I liked, and I think I changed it to something else after that, but before I've been using for the past year or more. That title came to me in the shower or something one day, and it just sort of stuck.

Since I'm genuinely trying really hard to get things on track to do something with myself other than amass "cool stuff" and continue wasting money this year, I figured it was time for a change to the blog's title, too. Yes, I know I kept the core meaning of, "I'm buying crap, looky here!" in the title more or less, but at least now I'm not implying that my life has no more meaning than just having piles of aesthetically pleasing plastic. (Not that that's what it meant, the meaning was actually more or less a stab at the funk that I was/am in. Basically that, "There is no "ultimate goal" so what's the point?" was what I was feeling before. I'm still not over that and probably never will be, but I've come to terms with it. I collected things overzealously and with reckless abandon for so long because I really didn't see too much of a point to doing a whole lot else because I was depressed, or didn't see a point or a way out or whatever, but now I've kind of struck a balance. While it's good to see things from the point-of-view of "nothing to lose" once in a while to kind of put things in perspective, it's kinda awful when you can't see anything beyond that, and that's the kind of mundane existence I've lived for like 4-5 years, and am still living. I didn't do anything about it, and worse I didn't WANT to do anything about it for a long time. Or I guess I should say, I wasn't really bothering to do anything about it and didn't care. It wasn't a willful thing, I just wasn't ready to continue on with life and I let things deteriorate for so long that it was a hell of a climb just to get back to "normal", which I suspect I was never at in the first place. It took losing my social life entirely, all but 2 of my friends, one of which lives in NC now, and the other is busy being married, to really realize how truly shitty being lonely is.

In the last few months, it literally got to the point where looking forward to that one package a month was about the only thing keeping me going, and I realized that I had to do something about things in the larger scope. I also realized that I really don't think I've ever been "happy", or maybe don't even know what happiness feels like. Sure I get those small bits of gratification when I see something new that I like that's coming down the pike in a month or two, that rush when I open a box full of new things, a smile or sense of accomplishment when I write or draw something that I'm satisfied with, eat a new food item that has good flavor, have nice bowel movement, etc. (lol, sorry about the last one) But all of that is fleeting, I anticipate a box in the mail, get it, open it, sometimes containing nearly $1000 worth of haul, and all I can think of is how it'll be over in a few hours. I buy a game, I play it and think about how it's stressful to battle to make it to the next level or get new abilities or whatever, and then the fun playing with the abilities lasts all of 3 minutes before I'm bored or whatever, again. And unlike most people that don't understand why they feel the way they feel, I understand. And what's more, I know what I have to do to stop it, and I've just been unable to. But now I've just kind of resigned myself to the fact that, "that's life" and you have to just enjoy the experience. Because otherwise, what else is there? "It's all about the journey, blah blah blah." that sort of thing. Taking care of the depression part isn't easy, because I can't exactly outsmart myself about things, but distractions like oh, say, school and maybe finding a date or some friends this decade, might be a good thing. Hopefully I don't spoil it with my glowingly positive personality, lmao.

Sorry for the personal rant, I wrote this more as an affirmation for me than anyone else, but if you read it and I annoyed you or made you miserable in some way, I apologize.

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